After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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