I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
