I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
