i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she peed on how many people?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
