I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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