I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
