It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
