My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She needs sedatives and a leash
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
