I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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