I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
