So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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