mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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