She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
