You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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