Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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