u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
