We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
