i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
