5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
