I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
