His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
