she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
