i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Congratulations! We have a period
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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