the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Randomize
