Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
