She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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