i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
