Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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