I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
