He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
