I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
