Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
