I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
