I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
