People with herpes should wear stickers.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
my liver is dry heaving
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
