You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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