It's like a parade of train wrecks.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
