Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
