i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
