I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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