I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
