I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
