I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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