the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
