The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You can't motorboat a personality
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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