You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
People in love make me want to vomit
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
