if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
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