Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
