living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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