just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
